


Don't Let Them Down

by sophiewritesandstuff (orphan_account)



Category: Free!
Genre: Anorexia, Anorexia Nervosa, Eating Disorders, M/M, Purging, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Vomiting, Weight Issues, happy ending I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-01 19:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2784323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sophiewritesandstuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Nagisa-kun, I warned you again and again about watching your intake, and you’re paying the price! You’re putting on weight!” Nagisa is shocked to find that he's gained weight since the start of the year, and is desperate not to let the team down, but his stubborn nature betrays him...<br/>PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION IF YOU ARE AT ALL TRIGGERED BY MENTIONS OF EATING DISORDERS AND PURGING.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (quick note about this fic)  
> This fic is not drawn from my own experiences with eating disorders, rather from other books I have read where the protagonist or another character has been dealing with an ED. If any of my time frames seem a little skewed, please tell me politely how to improve them and I'll be more than happy to make edits here and there. Chapter 2 will be along soon, I promise!

It had started as harmless jokes. A few prods at his belly here and there, an offhanded remark about how much he ate. He took it all in his stride. He never minded.

Until the day Gou had pinched his chin before he got in the water to practise.

“Uwah! That hurts, Gou-chan!”

“Nagisa-kun, I warned you again and again about watching your intake, and you’re paying the price! You’re putting on weight!”

“Ehhh?” Nagisa looked horrified, and looked at himself frantically. “You can’t be serious, Gou-chan!”

“Get on the scale in the locker room and we’ll see!” Gou said, pointing. Nagisa bounded into the room past Makoto and Rei, certain that Gou was just seeing things.

“Nagisa? Gou? What’s going on?” Makoto asked as Nagisa hopped onto the scale. Gou made the adjustments for Nagisa’s height, then squinted at the reading.

“Just as I suspected! You’ve put on a whole two kilograms since the start of the year, Nagisa-kun!”

“No way!” Nagisa twisted uncomfortably to get a look at the readout, and his heart sank. _She’s right_.

“You’re just going to have to be more careful, Nagisa-kun.” Rei said gently, with an encouraging smile at the blond boy.

Nagisa smiled back at Rei, but the usual glimmer in his eyes was fading fast, replaced with cold, hard determination.

_I won’t fall behind the others! I can’t let them down!_

* * *

Nagisa repeated that statement to himself like a mantra as he sat in the back of history class, clutching his stomach. It wasn’t that he was hungry, not at all. Rei, sweet, clueless Rei-chan had brought some of his famous cookies to school, and Nagisa hadn’t been able to resist cramming several into his mouth before a glare from Gou had stopped him in his tracks.

Nagisa felt so guilty for eating the cookies, it was tearing him up inside. He had been doing so well lately: he hadn’t touched an Iwatobi-chan bread in three weeks, he was bringing healthy bento boxes to school, and he had started eating smaller portions at dinner time (when questioned by his mother, he had simply said it was “for his health” and she seemed satisfied with that answer). He wasn’t sure how long he could sit there thinking about the calories he had consumed before he went crazy, and he raised his hand subconsciously.

The teacher paused in his long spiel about ancient medicine. “Yes, Hazuki-kun?”

“May I be excused to go to the bathroom?”

“Very well, but hurry back.”

Nagisa was out of his chair like a bullet from a gun. Rei looked up from his notes, watching him go.

 _“I hope he’s okay…”_ the blue-haired boy thought to himself.

Nagisa meanwhile had reached the boys bathroom. He looked up and down the cubicles, making sure nobody was there, then locked himself in the one at the far end, dropping onto his knees next to the toilet.

“This can’t be as bad as they say… It’ll just be this one time… Just once, and I’ll never do it again… I’ll go back to eating properly after this… Nobody has to know…”

Nagisa squeezed his eyes shut, and forced two fingers down his throat.

Choking, spluttering, coughing, and sobbing, Nagisa clutched the toilet seat for dear life as his bento and the cookies resurfaced, making vile noises as they hit the toilet water.

“Never again, never again…” he whispered to himself, burying his face in his arms. “Just this once… just this once…”

Nagisa stumbled to his feet, his whole body shaking. He pressed the flush and left the cubicle. As he washed his hands, he caught sight of himself in the mirror. His face was red and blotched from crying, but he looked past that, examining his chin, his neck, and lifting up his shirt to look at his stomach.

“I can do this. I won’t get fat. I’ll be slender and strong like the others!”

* * *

Another week passed. Then another. Before long, another month had gone by. Nagisa was getting desperate. He glared angrily at his own reflection in his bedroom mirror. Why wouldn’t this stupid weight shift? He knew he looked just the same as he had back when Gou had weighed him at swim practise.

“What am I doing wrong?” Nagisa asked himself, leaning his forehead against the mirror, watching his reflection cry identical tears.

Earlier that evening, his mother had shouted at him, because he had brought home his bento untouched for the fourth time in two weeks (he wasn’t always careful enough to remember to throw the food away, or pawn it off on another student), and at dinner, he had simply pushed his food around his plate without taking a single bite. It wasn’t a new occurrence, but he had been good at disguising it until that day. He was so tired of acting normal, when nothing would ever be normal again if he couldn’t lose weight.

“Nagi, darling, you’re going to make yourself ill! Please, tell me what’s wrong!” his mother had begged him, with tears in her eyes.

“You wouldn’t understand! Nobody understands!” Nagisa had yelled back, his own eyes welling up as he had dashed upstairs, shutting himself in his room.

He punched the wall furiously, barely registering the jolt of pain that shot through his arm, and threw himself onto his bed, burying his face into the pillow. His phone buzzed on the bedside table, and he grabbed it, checking the message.

**_From: Rei-chan_ **

_Makoto-senpai seemed worried about you today. Are you okay?_

**_To: Rei-chan_ **

_I’m fine. See you on Monday, Rei-chan!_

Nagisa threw his phone across the room, where it bounced off the wall. He couldn’t talk to Rei about this. Perfect, beautiful Rei… He wouldn’t know what it felt like to be second-rate. Downstairs, he heard his father come home from work, and his mother talk to him in hushed tones. The stairs creaked, and a few moments later Nagisa heard his father knock on the door.

“Nagisa?”

“Leave me alone, Dad.”

Nagisa heard the door swing open, and felt a weight on the end of his bed. “Your mother says you wouldn’t eat dinner. Did you get food with your friends after swim practise?”

Nagisa sat up and shook his head. “I’m just not hungry, Dad.”

Nagisa’s father chuckled, ruffling his son’s golden curls. “I know what’ll make you feel better. Don’t tell your mother, but I bought you a piece of strawberry shortcake from the bakery on my way home. After all, I know it’s your favourite.” He opened his briefcase and took out a brown paper bag, and the overwhelming scent of strawberries permeated the air around them. “It was supposed to be for after your dinner, but… Take it anyway. Maybe you just need something sweet in your system to perk you up, eh?”

Nagisa’s eyes went wide. He shouldn’t. He _knew_ he shouldn’t, but he just couldn’t help it. The bag was out of his father’s hands before either of them could even blink, and before he could stop himself, he had unwrapped the cake and closed his mouth around it.

“That’s more like it!” Nagisa’s father tousled his hair again before heading for the door. “Make sure you get your homework done, kiddo!”

The bedroom door was left open, but Nagisa barely noticed, as he practically inhaled the cake in his hands. In his haste, the final mouthful fell from his fingers onto the carpet, and as he leaned down to pick it up, the horrible realisation of his actions hit him like a ton of bricks.

_How many calories were in that cake? How much sugar? How much fat? All my hard work… Ruined…_

Nagisa felt crushed, and he lost his balance, falling off the bed and landing on his hands and knees on the floor, the last morsel of cake flattened under his palm. His breathing became shaky, and he stared at the floor unblinkingly.

“How could I have made such a stupid mistake?” he whispered to himself, horrified.

 _You could make up for it,_ said a little voice in the back of his mind. _Just once more. You won’t do it again afterwards. Think of all those nasty excess calories making their way into your body. You can’t just leave them in there. You’ll get fat. You’ll let them down. Makoto, Haru, Rei, Gou. You don’t want to let them down, right?_

Nagisa scrambled to his feet, hurrying into the bathroom and slamming the door. He turned the shower on to mask his intentions from his parents, then looked down at his hands, smeared with cake. He brushed the crumbly, sticky mess into the toilet and fell to his knees, not even bothering to brace himself as he roughly stuck his fingers into his throat.

 _Get rid of it all…_ the voice urged. _Don’t let the calories stick around and make you fat._

Nagisa’s head was pounding. There was a ringing in his ears, his throat burned, and as he vomited, his hand shook violently, his teeth grazing the knuckle and drawing blood. It ended as quickly as it had begun, and Nagisa’s arms couldn’t hold him up any longer. He collapsed on the bathroom floor, crying and gasping. He curled his knees up to his chest.

“This is the last time… Never again…” he sobbed, but the words already tasted like lies even as they left his lips. After what seemed like an age, he hauled himself to his feet, stripped bare and staggered into the shower, letting the warm water wash away the tears, the stomach acid, the guilt…

 _I won’t make this mistake again,_ he thought miserably. _I’ll be more focused… I won’t let the team down!_

* * *

“Nagisa-kun, why are you wearing so many layers? It’s the middle of July. Aren’t you warm?” Rei asked Nagisa as they stepped off the train to school on Monday morning.

“I’m just comfortable, Rei-chan!” Nagisa said, yawning. “Besides, this way nobody has to see my fat belly.” Nagisa joked weakly, and Rei looked surprised.

“Fat? Nagisa-kun, you know you aren’t _fat_. Gou-san just wants you to be at your physical peak for the next tournament. Come on, let’s run. Exercise will make you feel better.”

The taller boy took off at a steady jog, and Nagisa followed. Usually, he could keep pace with Rei fairly well, but he sensed that today was not his day, and he started falling behind. He paused to catch his breath, and Rei turned, seeing the blond leaning on a nearby lamppost.

“Nagisa-kun? What’s the matter?”

“Just… Not feeling… Up to it…” Nagisa panted. “Sorry… Rei-chan…”

“That’s okay, Nagisa-kun. We’ll walk the rest of the way. I didn’t mean for you to overexert yourself.”

“It’s not your fault, Rei-chan… I just feel kind of… weak.”

“Are you sure you should have come to school today? You don’t look well.” Rei looked at Nagisa worriedly.

“I’ll be fine, Rei-chan!” Nagisa said, grinning slightly manically. “Come on, let’s get walking or we’ll be late.”

Nagisa struggled upright and soldiered on ahead of Rei, and the blue-haired boy watched his friend with growing concern. He pulled out his phone and texted as he walked.

**_To: Matsuoka Gou, Tachibana Makoto, Nanase Haruka_ **

_Something is wrong with Nagisa-kun. We need to discuss it urgently._

* * *

“So what do you think’s going on?” Gou asked Rei. She, Makoto and Haru had met up with Rei during their study period to discuss Nagisa and what might be happening.

“I’m not sure… He’s been acting funny ever since we discovered that weight gain of his. He’s looking paler lately, and he never eats lunch with us anymore, he always says he’s going to study or something. And this morning when we started our run he tired very quickly, and said he was feeling weak.” Rei pointed out grimly.

“That doesn’t sound good. And you saw how many layers of clothing he’s been wearing recently.” Makoto thought for a moment. “Has he looked thinner to any of you? During swim practise, maybe?”

“Not that I’ve noticed. But we see him swim every day, to notice a change like that we’d have to have gone several days or even weeks without seeing him in his swimsuit.” Rei said.

“We should keep a close eye on him this afternoon.” Haru suggested, and the others agreed.

After their final lessons of the day, they met at the locker rooms and got ready for practise. Nagisa seemed not to notice that there were four concerned pairs of eyes on him as he got changed.

“I’m going to swim some lengths before we start, ‘kay Gou-chan?” He said with a smile that seemed horribly forced.

“Alright, but don’t tire yourself out!” Gou warned him. “And it’s Kou!”

Nagisa walked up and stepped onto the starting block, adjusting his goggles over his eyes and pointedly ignoring the pangs of hunger that had been haunting him since he woke up. He poised ready to dive, and suddenly a wave of weakness struck him, making his limbs feel heavy and causing him to sway unsteadily. Makoto saw this out of the corner of his eye.

“Nagisa!” he called out, just a moment too late, as Nagisa fell clean off the starting block into the pool. Haru dived in after him, and in moments Nagisa was out on the poolside, with Rei checking his breathing.

“He’s still breathing, but he’s out like a light. He just fainted out of nowhere.” Rei fretted. “And look.”

Rei pointed at Nagisa’s torso. Where there had once been lightly muscled flesh, there was now a lack of it, and Nagisa’s ribs were protruding slightly from under his skin.

“Gou, fetch Ama-chan-sensei and get her to drive Nagisa home. Rei, will you go with him?” Makoto asked.

“Of course, Makoto-senpai. I’ll let you know once he’s home safely.” Rei lifted the blond boy into his arms and followed Gou into the locker room.

“Oh, Nagisa-kun…” Rei whispered softly, tears forming in his eyes as he looked down at the blond’s skinny frame. “What have you been doing to yourself?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW I KNOW I SAID IT WAS TWO CHAPTERS BUT I NEEDED TO MAKE IT THREE I'M SORRY  
> please don't kill me! part three will be up asap!

The next thing Nagisa registered was waking up in the back seat of a car, laying horizontally across the seats. He could see a blurry figure looking down at him, and he blinked groggily.

“Huh…? Where’m I?” he mumbled.

“You’re in Amakata-sensei’s car, Nagisa-kun. We’re taking you home.” Rei’s comforting voice came from above him, and Nagisa finally realised it was Rei he was looking at, and that his head was resting on Rei’s lap. He was dressed in his swim club jacket and his swimsuit, thanks to Rei having the idea to give him some decency before he was carried through the school to the car park.

“Rei-chan… Why am I going home?” Nagisa looked puzzled.

“Nagisa-kun, you don’t remember?” Rei’s voice was full of concern, and this confused Nagisa even further. “You fainted off the starting block and fell in the pool. Haruka-senpai had to dive in and pull you out.”

“I… fainted?” Nagisa tested the words, and they sounded so foreign to him. He sat up slowly, and Rei put out an arm to stop him.

“Stay put, Nagisa-kun, you’re almost home.”

“No… I have to go back to swim practise… I can’t let you guys down…” Nagisa struggled against Rei’s arm.

“Are you insane, Nagisa-kun?! You literally fainted! You’re not in any state to go back to practise!” Rei wrapped both his arms around his friend’s upper body, truly feeling for the first time the extent of Nagisa’s rapid weight loss as his arms met with Nagisa’s ribcage through the thin layer of fabric.

“I need to swim! I need to exercise!” Nagisa protested, immediately uncomfortable at the feeling of Rei’s arms around him. “Let go of me!”

As the blond struggled in Rei’s grip his arms slipped to his stomach. “Nagisa-kun, what you need is to lie down and rest!”

“Stop touching my stomach!” Nagisa yelled, desperately trying to wrench his friend’s arms from around him. “I don’t need you rubbing it in that I’m fat! Leave my stomach alone!”

“What stomach?!” Rei snapped, pulling up Nagisa’s jacket to reveal the boy’s shockingly skinny torso.

“Hey, cut it out!” Nagisa tugged his jacket back down. “Stop acting like you haven’t noticed my weight gain!” Then Nagisa promptly burst into tears. “I’m trying to shift it, I really am, but it won’t go away!”

Rei was stunned into silence as the blond wailed plaintively, burying his face in his hands.

“Ryugazaki-kun, we’re here.” Miss Amakata said softly.

Rei looked up at Nagisa’s house, then back at Nagisa. “Change of plan. I’m taking him to my house. My parents will not be home, and I need to talk to him alone.”

“Of course.” Miss Amakata pulled the car back out onto the road, and at the swerving movement, Nagisa toppled back into Rei’s lap, and he buried his face into the blue-haired boy’s knees.

“I’m sorry… Rei-chan… I will get thin again… I won’t let the team down…” Nagisa sobbed, and Rei instinctively reached down and gently stroked Nagisa’s blond locks.

“Shhh, Nagisa-kun. No need to apologise. We’ll talk about this soon.”

* * *

Rei fussed around Nagisa the second they got through the door of his house, fetching him water, making him comfortable on the sofa, even asking if he needed to use the bed to lie down and sleep. Nagisa was grateful, that was certain, but he couldn’t help feeling bad for what had happened in the car. No matter how awful he was feeling, he knew he shouldn’t have taken it out on Rei.

“Rei-chan… I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to yell at y…”

“I told you, you don’t have to apologise, Nagisa-kun.” Rei said kindly, walking over to Nagisa with a second glass of water. He knelt in front of the blond. “But now, I want you to answer something for me, Nagisa. What sort of weight loss regimen have you been using?”

Nagisa gasped at the lack of nickname, looking up and meeting Rei’s solemn gaze. The secret was surely out. He should have known there was no way to hide this from the intelligent, observant Rei-chan. His eyes were brimming with fresh tears in an instant.

“There was no other way, Rei-chan! Eating healthy food was getting me nowhere! So I stopped having breakfast… Then lunch… Sometimes I don’t even eat dinner…”

Rei was horrified. He had feared this, of course, but hearing it come from Nagisa’s own mouth was another story…

“What about when you… slip up?” Rei asked delicately.

Nagisa broke their eye contact. He couldn’t tell Rei what he really did. “I do extra exercise. Running, or sit-ups.” he lied. The answer seemed to satisfy Rei, who exhaled deeply.

“Nagisa-kun. You don’t need to lose any more weight. I promise you.” Rei assured the blond, resting his hand on Nagisa’s knee. “You’re fine the way you are. In fact you’ve really lost more weight than you should. Now you need to start putting a little back on.”

Nagisa looked scared. “Rei-chan, no! I can’t!”

“Yes, you can! You were… and _are_ … perfect just as you are. You’re beautiful to me, Nagisa-kun!” Rei blurted, before blushing slightly and looking at the floor, fiddling with his glasses nervously. Nagisa’s mouth fell open in shock. Rei-chan thought he was… beautiful?!

“R-rei-chan!” Nagisa said joyfully, launching himself from the sofa and embracing the blue-haired boy. “You’re beautiful to me too…” he whispered in Rei’s ear. Rei blushed harder, but returned the hug.

“I’ll help you through this, Nagisa-kun. I’ll make sure you stay healthy.”

* * *

Rei wasn’t sure who suggested it, but he was not complaining when the decision was made that Nagisa would stay the night at his house. His mother and father were used to it, and were more than happy to let him sleep over, and Nagisa had called his own parents and been given permission to stay. Rei’s mother, who had a keen interest in foreign foods and learning to cook them, had prepared one of her signature Western dishes for dinner, macaroni pasta and cheese sauce (or mac and cheese for short). The first time Nagisa had tried it, he had adored it, and savoured every bite and even asked for second helpings. He had raved for ages to Haru and Makoto the next day about “the famous Ryugazaki mac and cheese”. Today however, Rei could see the difference in the way Nagisa was behaving with the meal. The blond was picking at the food listlessly, only sporadically lifting the fork to his mouth, and only taking one or two pieces of pasta at a time.

“Nagisa, love, are you okay?” Rei’s mother asked gently. “You’re not hungry?”

Nagisa didn’t answer, and Rei chewed his lip worriedly. “It’s okay, mother. We’re both a little nervous about the upcoming swimming tournament, that’s all.”

“Ah! So you lose your appetite when you’re nervous, Nagisa? Rei’s the opposite, when the nerves hit him he just won’t stop eating! Once, before a track event, he ate so much so quickly he gave himself terrible indigestion, can you believe, and as he was running up to vault the pole he let out a huge…”

“Mother!” Rei exclaimed, blushing. “That’s embarrassing!” Rei’s father laughed, a booming chuckle that was just like Rei’s own, and Rei cast another glance at Nagisa. He still looked uncomfortable, but the smallest of grins was playing on the blond’s lips, and Rei felt slightly relieved.

In the end, Nagisa managed about two-thirds of the pasta before he admitted defeat, and the boys went to Rei’s room to hang out and chat. Rei was used to Nagisa initiating conversation and keeping the topics flowing, but he found himself making more effort than was normally required. Nagisa would clam up after a sentence or two, and Rei would desperately scramble for a new direction in which to take their chatter. After about the sixth time the conversation had petered out, Rei sighed in defeat and threw himself onto the bed, staring at the ceiling.

“Hey, Rei-chan, what’s up?”

Rei felt the bed bounce next to him, and looked to his left to see Nagisa’s face resting not far from his own.

“Are you okay, Nagisa-kun? I’ve been worried about you this evening. You’re not yourself.”

Nagisa cursed internally. He had hoped Rei wouldn’t notice.

Wouldn’t notice the way his lips started to subconsciously form numbers as he speculated the calorie count in the pasta and the cheese sauce and the apple juice he had with the meal and _oh god why couldn’t he control his freaking appetite more consistently?_

“Nagisa-kun?”

“Huh?” Nagisa was jolted back to reality as Rei called his name.

“I said, did my compliments earlier make you uncomfortable? If they did, then I’m truly sorry…”

“Not at all!” Nagisa replied, thankful that Rei was unaware of his true inner turmoil. “I was flattered that my Rei-chan thinks so highly of me… Oops.” Nagisa realised what he had said and clapped a hand over his mouth, turning his head away from Rei.

“Y- _your_ Rei-chan?” Rei whispered, a smile spreading over his face.

“O-only if you want to be!” Nagisa exclaimed, his face red as a tomato. “I mean, you, I, well… if you don’t feel like that then, oh heck…”

“Nagi-kun?”

The new, unexpected nickname shut Nagisa up promptly, and he turned to face Rei, surprised when he found the blue-haired boy to be blushing just as much as he was. “Y-yes?”

“Of course I want to be yours. I… I didn’t think you would ever ask…”

For the second time that evening, Nagisa launched himself into Rei’s arms, and Rei wrapped Nagisa into a tender embrace, pressing a kiss to the top of the blond boy’s head as he shifted their bodies to lie properly on the bed.

“Rei-chan?”

“Hmmm?”

“Please keep calling me Nagi-kun. The way you said it was so cute.”

Rei blushed again, but made a small noise of agreement as he closed his eyes.

“Hey, Rei-chan! Don’t sleep yet!” Nagisa begged.

“Nagi-kun, I’m tired…” Rei mumbled.

“Fine! I’ll just have to kiss you awake then!”

“Wait! What did you just s… mmf!” Rei was abruptly cut off as Nagisa planted a kiss on the taller boy’s lips, lingering for a moment before pulling back, a smile bigger than any Rei had seen from him all day crossing the blond’s features. “Nagi-kun…” His own face broke into a grin, and he pulled the shorter boy back down into another kiss, revelling in the somersaults his heart was turning as their lips moved together softly. Emboldened by Rei’s move to initiate the kiss, Nagisa took the next step, gently teasing Rei’s lower lip with his tongue. Rei gave a gasp of surprise at the sensation, opening his mouth, and Nagisa seized the opportunity, deepening their kiss into something needier, more passionate. Far, far too soon for Nagisa's liking, Rei broke the kiss for air, and Nagisa began to kiss Rei's neck, his lips ghosting a trail down towards the taller boy's well-defined collarbone...

"N-nagi-kun... Stop, wait..." Rei hated saying it, but he soldiered on. "Don't you think it's a bit soon for us to... escalate this new aspect of our relationship?"

"You don't find me sexy, Rei-chan?" Nagisa asked sadly, looking defeated as he rolled away from Rei to look out of the window.

"No! That isn't what I meant at all! I just think it's very foolish of us to rush into the physical side of this... Of whatever we are."

Nagisa turned back and nodded, but in his mind was a vicious onslaught of destructive thoughts.

 _Of course he doesn't think you're sexy_ , the voice told him. _You're still fat, after all. Especially now you've eaten all that bulky pasta and that fatty cheese sauce..._

Nagisa put a hand up to his head, as if trying to stop the voice.

"Nagi-kun?"

"Yes, Rei-chan?"

"Please don't think that I don't find you physically attractive. Believe me, I do. More than you know."

Nagisa looked into the taller boy's violet eyes, seeing so much emotion reflected there that he nearly started to tear up again. “Rei-chan…” Nagisa said quietly, tucking himself against Rei’s side and closing his eyes. He fell asleep to the sound of the voice in his head counting calories, and cursed himself inwardly for ruining the otherwise perfect moment.

* * *

Rei’s sleep was a fitful one. He couldn’t seem to shake the feeling that he needed to be awake, that something was wrong. He opened his eyes lazily, only for them to widen as he realised Nagisa was no longer by his side. He could hear the bathroom light humming, and water running.

“Really, Nagisa? A shower at this time?” Rei groaned, rolling out of bed to go and check on him. As Rei neared the bathroom however, a sound reached his ears that made his blood run cold.

It was the unmistakable sound of someone vomiting.

All sleepiness leaving him in an instant, Rei burst into the bathroom, stopping in his tracks at the sight of Nagisa, _his_ Nagisa, bending low over the toilet with his fingers sticking down his throat. Rei let out a strangled cry, and Nagisa whirled around, his hand leaving his mouth instantly. Nagisa’s face was wet with tears and bile, and the blond’s eyes widened in horror.

“Rei-chan! It’s not what it… Oh, who am I kidding?! It’s exactly what it looks like!” he croaked, before burying his face into his arm and howling in despair. “I’m sorry, Rei-chan!”

“Rei? Nagisa? Are you boys okay?” Rei’s mother stuck her head out into the hallway.

“M-mother… N-nagi-kun…” Rei whispered, before he too burst into tears, dropping to his knees and bundling Nagisa into his arms, not caring about the smell of vomit because Nagisa, _his Nagi-kun_ , was most definitely _not okay_.

And Rei would have given anything to make him okay again…


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SOOOOOO SORRY I've been away from this story for so long! I had a long think about how to do it and realised instead of just one final chapter, there's going to be this chapter and an epilogue, which I'm already working on and will hopefully be done in a day or two! Meanwhile please enjoy this update!

In the next hour, Nagisa watched his carefully crafted web of lies unravel around him. Rei’s mother had called his parents, who had agreed to come over to fetch him. He had cried and screamed when they had arrived, begging not to be taken away from Rei: “just let me stay with Rei-chan! Please! Let him come with us if you have to take me home!”

He had been ignored, and his father had carried him kicking and sobbing to the car. The ride home had been deathly silent, punctuated only by Nagisa’s soft hiccupping and sniffling. The second they got into the house, his mother had hit the ceiling.

“Why on earth would you do something like this to yourself?! Are you insane! You could literally starve yourself to _death_! My little Nagisa…” After her initial outburst, all the fight had left her, and she had surged forward and embraced her son. “My baby boy… I don’t want to lose you…” she had whispered, the fear in her voice making Nagisa’s heart ache.

The noise had awoken Nagisa’s eldest sister Natsuki, who was visiting for a few days. She had come down the stairs to find Nagisa and their mother crying in each other’s arms, while their father looked on wearily.

“Nagi? Mom? What’s going on?” she asked sleepily.

“Your brother… he’s… he’s been starving himself!” their mother choked out. “Look at him, he’s nothing but skin and bone!”

“Alright, Rina, he’s heard enough.” Nagisa’s father moved closer and wrapped an arm around his wife. “I think everyone just needs to get some sleep.”

“But, Daisuke…”

“Natsuki, look after Nagisa while I take your mother upstairs.”

Natsuki nodded, and watched as their parents left the room, before turning to her brother with blazing eyes.

“What the hell, Nagi?! Starving yourself? Where in the ever-loving _fuck_ did that idea come from?!”

“Natsu… I don’t want to talk about it…” Nagisa mumbled, his energy dwindling rapidly. “Just let me go to bed…”

“Like hell I will!” Natsuki grabbed Nagisa by the shoulders and shook him angrily. “I want you to talk to me about why in god’s name you’re not eating!”

Nagisa’s face crumpled, and his tears were falling again. “You don’t get it! Nobody _fucking_ gets it! If I don’t stay thin… I’ll be a failure…” He collapsed onto the chair behind him and curled into a ball.

“A failure?” Natsuki repeated dumbly.

“Yes! A fat, useless failure who let his teammates down!” Nagisa sobbed. Natsuki looked at Nagisa for a moment, then rushed over and wrapped him into a hug.

“Hey, come on Nagi-chan, don’t cry… It’s gonna be okay…” Natsuki whispered soothingly, stroking her brother’s hair. “You know your friends would never think that of you… They love you regardless of how thin you are.”

“You don’t know that! You don’t know _anything_!” Nagisa wailed. “What if they kicked me off the swim team? What if they never wanted to talk to me again? What if…”

“Nagi, calm down. You know deep down that they wouldn’t do that.” Natsuki locked eyes with Nagisa, and he sniffed sadly.

“I’m sorry, Natsu. I never wanted to hurt anyone.”

* * *

The next morning, Nagisa awoke to a knock on his bedroom door, and he groaned.

“Nagi-chan? Can I come in?”

“Sure.” Nagisa mumbled, hauling himself into a sitting position. The door opened, and standing there was not only Natsuki, but his other two sisters, the twins Nanako and Noriko.

“Nana? Nori? When did you get here? You’re supposed to be at university!”

“I called them last night.” Natsuki explained. “And yes, they’re meant to be at uni, but family comes first, and so does your health.”

“We couldn’t just leave you to deal with this alone, Nagi-chan.” Nanako chipped in, and Noriko nodded.

“But… I have school…”

“What did we just say?” Natsuki smiled gently. “Your wellbeing is far more important than one day of school.”

“Guys, I…” Nagisa began, chewing at his lower lip nervously.

“We even okayed it with Mom and Dad. And I’m sure one of your friends can pick up your homework for you.” Noriko added.

Nagisa felt tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, and settled for nodding at their words.

“Come on, get up and dressed. We’re taking you out for the day.” Natsuki smiled, before she, Nanako and Noriko retreated and closed the door to let Nagisa get ready.

Nagisa swung his legs around and stood up, catching sight of himself in the mirror. Dressed only in underwear, he was suddenly struck with a realisation…

The realisation that everyone was right….

He really was skin and bone. His muscles were all but gone, and what was left appeared out of place on his far-too-slim body. His arms and legs looked almost skeletal, and his face was gaunt and sunken. He felt sick to his stomach, and almost collapsed onto the floor, but steadied himself on the bedside table.

“How did I let this happen?” Nagisa whispered to himself.

 _Let WHAT happen?_ asked the voice in his mind. _You look great!_

“No… I look terrible…”

_Whaaaat? Don’t tell me after all your hard work you’re going to just give up? Look at the difference you’ve made!_

“Shut up.” Nagisa hissed fiercely, as if talking aloud would silence it.

_You know better than that, Nagisa. I’m a part of your brain. I won’t shut up unless you make me._

“Stop it, stop it, stop it!” Nagisa chanted as he rushed over to the wardrobe and threw his clothes on, grabbing his phone and dashing out of his room, frantically texting Rei as he went downstairs.

**_To: Rei-chan_ **

_Not coming to school. My sisters won’t let me. They say I need a day off. X_

The reply chimed in a moment later.

**_From: Rei-chan_ **

_I am inclined to agree with their decision. I’ll pick up your homework. X_

**_To: Rei-chan_ **

_Thanks, Rei-chan, you’re the best! See you tomorrow! X_

Nagisa pocketed his phone and walked into the kitchen, where his sisters were waiting.

“Hey, are you ready to go?” Natsuki asked him.

“Sure.”

* * *

Nagisa was uneasy as he sat in the train carriage with his sisters. They were all stealing sideways glances at him, and any physical contact they had with him was deliberately feather-light, as if they were afraid he would snap in half. He hated it. He hated being treated like some delicate flower.

As they stepped off the train, Nagisa tripped slightly, and immediately all three of them rushed to check he was all right.

“I’m fine! Relax!” he said with forced, over-bright enthusiasm. He plastered a grin onto his face and kept walking, leaving his concerned, confused sisters in his wake.

Nanako was the first to catch up to him. “Nagi-chan, slow down!”

“Huh?”

“You can’t just march off! You don’t even know where we’re going!” she panted as Noriko and Natsuki jogged to her side.

“Can’t you just get off my case?!” Nagisa snapped. “I’m not a child anymore! I’m not precious little baby Nagi-chan who needs to be wrapped in cotton wool and protected at all costs!”

“Nagi…” Natsuki began, placing a hand on Nagisa’s shoulder, but he jerked away from her touch, ignoring the people around them who were pausing and staring at them.

“Cut it out! I thought you were going to try and take my mind off things, not baby me and treat me like some fragile ornament or something! What do you want from me? Do you want me to admit that I’m not okay? Well fine, here goes: I’m not okay!” Tears welled up in Nagisa’s eyes and he furiously tried to blink them back. “I’m not okay… And I don’t know how to _be_ okay again…”

Nagisa was panting heavily from his outburst, and he stared at the ground, unable to look at his sisters. The three of them exchanged glances, then Noriko took a step closer and wrapped her arms around Nagisa. Nagisa froze in surprise, but allowed himself to be hugged.

“Nagi-chan… We’re here for you.”

Nanako and Natsuki also came up and hugged him, and Nagisa was overwhelmed by the love his sisters were giving him.

“Please… Help me be okay again…” he whispered, tears flowing down his cheeks.

“We will. We’re going to figure this out. All four of us, together.” Natsuki replied.


	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There, I told you I'd get this out promptly! I hope you've enjoyed reading this story. If you have, please consider leaving kudos or a comment! :)

_ About a year later… _

“Hurry, hurry, Nagi-kun, we’re going to be late!”

“Sorry, Rei-chan! I’m coming!” Nagisa calls as he rushes down the stairs, pausing as he catches sight of himself in the full-length mirror in the hallway. He can’t help but stop and smile.

 _I actually look good now,_ he thinks. _I don’t look tired, or skinny, or ill. I’m healthy. And I’ll never let myself make the same mistakes again. I’m going to university, in Tokyo, with Rei-chan. We’ll study hard to get good grades, and we’ll see Haru-chan and Mako-chan…_

_I’m not letting anyone down anymore, especially not myself!_

“Nagi-kun, we really need to get going…” Rei sticks his head around the front door into the hallway and sees what’s holding Nagisa up. “You know, I’m so proud of you.” Rei walks over to Nagisa, looking at the reflection of them in the mirror. “I know it wasn’t easy for you, but you’re going to be okay now.”

Nagisa looks at his own face. He hated thinking of how things had been last year. Thankfully, with Rei’s help, and his sisters’ moral support, he had gotten back to eating slowly and surely. Not only did he eat properly now, he also ate far more healthily than he had before his dramatic weight loss – he still hated the word _anorexia_ , although he knew it was the right word for what had happened.

“It’s really all thanks to you, Rei-chan. Your diet plans, your support, your understanding… You’ve been my rock.” Nagisa wraps his arms around the taller boy, hugging him tightly.

“Nagi-kun, I just ironed my uniform before I left the house, you’ll rumple it!” Rei protests, but he smiles nonetheless, returning the embrace and pressing a kiss to the top of Nagisa’s head. “But you know, none of my efforts would have meant anything if you hadn’t put the hard work in.”

Nagisa blushes. He’s still not used to Rei complimenting him, even though it’s been over a year since they started referring to each other as boyfriends.

“Gah! We really do have to go!” Rei says, glancing at his watch. He grabs Nagisa by the hand and they dash out of Nagisa’s house together. Rei’s parents are waiting in the car, along with Rei’s elder brother Ryou. Nagisa hopes that his parents have been able to pick his sisters up from the station without any trouble and are already on their way to the school. He’d had a text from Makoto earlier saying that he and Haru were at the school waiting for the ceremony to start, and congratulating him and Rei on their graduation in advance.

“I can’t believe my kid brother’s finally graduating high school! Seems like only yesterday you were starting middle school!” Ryou laughs, ruffling his brother’s hair.

“Ryou! It’s not beautiful!” Rei complains, attempting to flatten his hair. Nagisa laughs, as do Rei’s parents.

“Come on, Ryou, don’t tease your brother.” their father pipes up. “After all, as your father, it’s my job to embarrass both of you! For example, I bet Rei doesn’t know that when you graduated high school, your trousers fell down when you went up to get your diploma…”

“DAD!” Ryou yells, blushing, as Rei and Nagisa giggle.

“Come on, Shiro darling, leave the boys alone.” their mother interrupts. “Or I’ll tell them about what happened at _your_ high school graduation…”

“Y-Yui!”

The car fills with sounds of laughter as they pull up and park just down the road from Iwatobi High School.

“We have to go meet with our classmates, we’ll see you soon!” Rei tells his family, and he waves goodbye as he and Nagisa hurry to the classroom where all the graduating students are gathered.

“ _There_ you are! I was beginning to worry!” Gou calls out to them and they jog over.

“No need to worry, Gou-san, we’re here!” Rei smiles. “Your hair looks beautiful today.”

“Thank you, Rei-kun.” Gou hugs the bespectacled boy, subconsciously adjusting the braid in her hair as she pulled back. “You both look handsome too.”

“Aww, thank you, Gou-chan!” Nagisa embraced Gou too. “I can’t believe it’s really graduation day!”

“I know! And you two are moving out to Tokyo soon ready for university! Are you excited?”

“Mm! I can’t wait to move away from home and meet new people in a new city! But I’m also glad I’m doing it with Rei-chan by my side!”

“Honestly, I couldn’t agree more, Nagi-kun. I’m glad we’re taking this step together.” Rei smiles down at Nagisa. “You must make sure to write to us from Osaka, Gou-san! We want to hear everything.”

“Yeah! And you’ll have to visit too!” Nagisa agrees. “We’ll get the whole gang back together!”

Gou nods. “Definitely!”

The principal sticks his head around the classroom door. “All your parents are assembled, we’re ready for you to enter! Remember, just like you practised!”

The classes form lines in alphabetical order, and out of the three of them, Nagisa is the closest to the front, with Gou near the middle, and Rei almost at the back. Nagisa waves back down the line at them both, and they smile and wave too. The students file out of the classroom towards the assembly hall, and Nagisa’s heart leaps.

To think that he came so close to not making this walk… No, he wouldn’t think about that now. Because thanks to his family, his friends, and his Rei-chan, he _was_ still here today, and he was going to stick around for a long time.

Nagisa gives a little tug on his uniform to straighten it out, grinning at the way it fits him perfectly, and steps into the hall with his classmates.


End file.
